I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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