Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
