Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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