new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
