I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
