Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
