Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize