What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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