dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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