Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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