my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
