if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
