I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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