i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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