I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
