So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
