If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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