I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
