with your own penis?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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