Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
