I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
