I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
