I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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