I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
