I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
