I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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