I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
