I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
