your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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