Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
