Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize