Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
