Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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