Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
We smell like vodka and hangover
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