Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
