You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
actually, I'm a sock model
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
