It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
