u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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