Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
