having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize