You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize