I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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