Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
