Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
