I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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