best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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