your thong is hanging out like whoa
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
