Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
