If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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