life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
