you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
