Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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