dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Pants are for mortals
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
