Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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