I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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