When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize