One girl and one boy is just not enough.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
