8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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