my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
