I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize